absolutanjul

MJ left this morning with Conner and the house just seems empty. No pitter-patter of little feet... no rowring T-Rex... no terrified cats... It just really solidifies this need inside of me to have my own little one. I just wish my heart and my body would cooperate on this deal. I guess for now I am content with the fact that my best friend shared her little boy with me for a week. However tonight the house sure does feel empty :(

So tonight(CD 4)was my first night of injections. I did 5 units of lupron and 150 units of follistim. Once I gained the courage to plunge the first needled into my belly it was quite easy and painless. I'll do this every night until my appointment Friday and then they will decide what to do from there. Hopefully I'll be one of the lucky ones who will get to trigger on CD 8 or CD 10. Even though it doesn't hurt I still don't like the idea of sticking myself with a needle. Please dear God let this be the only month we have to do this?

Well not an all out lie, but a lie by omission. I'm sorry but when you say I called an oncologist and oops in the same sentence without any follow up... you're not telling me the truth. I know it isn't lab error because two different labs were used. I also know what my persistent low levels of hCG could mean. I know that cancer is at the top of the list, but I never asked to have things sugar coated. I wish he'd have just finished his sentence. I've spent the past few days crying at the drop of a hat, but I'm at the point now I just want to know. If it is indeed cancer, I want to start fighting, if it isn't then I need to know what the heck is going on with my body. The biopsy is scheduled for 4/24 along with some preliminary blood work. If all of that comes back normal then we get to search deeper for the answer and that oncologist... oops will become a part of my reality.

I know it's not His fault, but last night while I was lying in bed talking with God (I do not pray very often, but I do chat with the Big Guy alot)I wondered aloud why he would deny me a baby only to turn around an seemingly deny me my life. I figure an all loving God wouldn't do that so even if it is cancer I am going to fight this and pull through.

I went in today for my baseline ultrasound and blood work so that I could start the injectable meds for my first IUI cycle. I got the call from the nurse today letting me know that my hCG levels were in the pregnancy range, but too low for it to actually be a viable pregnancy. Since I already have gotten my period she thinks the pregnancy is gone and I am just now waiting for my hCG levels to go down far enough that I can start the injections. I go tomorrow morning for another vein donation. We'll see what happens then. It just hurts to know that I was *almost* a mommy.

OMG it was pretty overwhelming. The place was beautiful and very relaxing although as I sat there and looked around the room I wanted to cry. All of us in that waiting room wanted the same thing and some of us may never get it. I'm trying to be positive though. The doctor was very nice. The doctor wanted to start with either laproscopy or IVF. He wants to be pretty aggressive about this. When I told him that my insurance doesn't cover IVF he then said well IUI with injections it is. So our plan is 3 months of IUI, then the laproscopy, then the remaining 6 IUIs (my insurance will pay for 9 IUIs + meds) . I did say that if for some chance we have to take a cycle off sooner (cysts, OHSS) then I will do the lap that month so I don't lose any time. He seemed pretty optimistic, but was disappointed that we couldn't just do IVF (since with IUIs you can not control how many babies you get and I'll most likely have to get a reduction).

For my blood work and U/S (I'll be getting one EOD once I start the meds he said) I can do those here in town instead of driving 1.5 hours there and back. That was a huge relief!

I had blood work drawn today for all the sex hormones, cystic fibrosis, HIV, and titers for immunity. Then I got a lovely transvaginal U/S at during which I began laughing because my husband made a comment earlier that it was like watching someone speed shifting in a really fast car. All I could think of was the sound of a car shifting gears at high speeds, lol! The nurse said everything looked okay, but my endometrial lining wasn't very thick. I am hoping that was because this was my first cycle off of clomid which I was on for 5 months.

Now I am just waiting for AF to show, and Medco to call me about my meds. They put a stat order on the meds so that I could possibly get them for this cycle. Please keep your FX that they get here in time. I keep telling AF to just wait at the door and she can come in tomorrow because that will give Medco an extra day to get my order ready.

So Monday is my first visit with the RE. I'm really nervous, but happy to finally be going where I knew I'd need to be in the first place. I mean after all this time I finally feel like I am going to have a chance to become a mommy.

Today was my check in with my new OB before I head off to Albany Monday morning. We talked and he got some paperwork for me to take there. Most importantly I got my doctors notes. I'd seen three doctors in their office and believe Dr. Nathan is the *only* one who actually listened to me. The doctor who I had been seeing diagnosed me with OHSS and PCOS without ever doing b/w or looking at the U/S another doctor in his department ordered for me. He had even noted that if I wasn't pregnant from the clomid by the 6th month he was sending me for ovarian drilling or ovarian reduction to solve the PCOS... um could we have done some blood work before we go to that extreme? I had the blood work done and guess what? I don't have PCOS. In fact all of my hormones look pretty darn good. Scary! Then the doctor who ordered the U/S for my severe swelling and edema on clomid noted I had a miscarriage May of last year? WTF? This is news to me... I went off of birth control May of last year when I finally was given the green light to start TTC again. I had the miscarriage at the end of June 04.... I really hope my RE doesn't read that. He'll think I'm a freak.

It was still amazing to read what doctors write about patients when they don't know the patient will ever read what they wrote. I did giggle when I read what Dr. Nathan wrote about me being very intelligent, a premed student, and asking very difficult questions and for future doctors to be prepared :D I think he knew I would be reading his notes...

So tomorrow we drive to Buffalo to pick up our new kitty. She was a feral cat that a lady took in and has been caring for while trying to find someone to adopt her. I know I know... it's 4.5 hours one way to Buffalo, but DH saw her and fell in love. Since his cat died this summer I've let him decide the who what where and when of getting a new cat.

AF is due Sunday. I'm not happy she's here... I was hoping we could do it on our own, but I am ready for her. I have a plan or at least will have a plan as of Monday. Bring it on!

No one ever said that getting pregnant was easy. For some it is as easy as a one night stand, for others it can take a few months, for some it becomes a lifelong journey of heart ache and disappointment. A year ago today DH and I decided to start trying again, but this time we were going to be prepared. Before when we had been trying we'd try a few months, I'd stop ovulating, and the doctor would put me back on birth control to get ovulation started again. This happened over and over again until DH and I decided to stop trying for a while. Too much was going on with me in school and working two jobs. Then when we got married I went off the birth control, we threw the condoms away, and said if it happens it happens. That was November and I stopped ovulating the following June. I finally went to the doctor who said he wanted to test my thyroid levels and my prolactin levels. TSH levels came back low so he wanted me to go back on birth control once more, this time only until my levels got straightened out because low thyroid can be quite devastating to a developing fetus. Finally got my second round of tests back stating my meds were working great. Then came the huge decision did I want to go into labor during the middle of the school year or did I want to wait until after I graduated. So we decided to wait until August to really try to conceive. We've been trying ever since....

I've been on clomid for 5 months, I've had my progesterone tested, I've had ultrasounds to check for cysts... nothing yet. I've been charting, I've been temping, I've been checking my freaking cervical mucus for Christ sake....ewwww.... I've been using sperm friendly lube, taking mucinex to help my cervical mucus while on clomid, I've been taking vitamin B6 to help with the bleeding during my LP for which they still haven't got a diagnosis, I've been taking fish oil because one doctor swore the blood wasn't from my vagina, but from my rectum due to straining during my BM (I repeat I was not straining, but now they should know I'm not), and of course for a year now I've been on a prenatal vitamin.

So I have my good days sometimes. I feel happy and confident that this is going to be the month or at least I'll be okay if it isn't. Then I have my bad days. Those are the days where I cry at the drop of a hat, or cry so hard that DH is at a loss of how to console me. Then there are the days that I don't want to even leave my house. I don't want to shower, cook, or do anything. Just sit here at the computer trying to find a reason for my infertility and wishing I could make a doctor listen to me. Really LISTEN to me. Something is wrong... something clomid couldn't cure... something B6 and fish oil couldn't cure. I mean could someone PLEASE tell me why I am bleeding every single month at 9-10DPO??? Not just a little either but full fledged asking myself should I put a tampon in??

I know a few of my friends are upset with me for not talking to them about this. I try, but I don't feel that there is anyone who would understand what I feel. All my friends are either married with babies, or single and not ready for that kind of commitment. I don't begrudge my married friends with babies, but it doesn't mean I'm not jealous. It's hard to hear time after time "oh it will happen, just you wait and see"... or "you are too stressed about this... just relax and let it happen" Let WHAT happen? You relax to let bowel movements happen not babies!

So today is a bad day. Not a don't wanna leave the house bad day, but a bad day none-the-less. I know everyone is probably sick of hearing me vent about this. I mean after all everyone has got their own problems, but this is what the body is supposed to do right? I'm supposed to be able to reproduce... I'm supposed to be able to satiate this pain in my heart, no scratch that, this burning pain in the core of my being, but my body just refuses to cooperate.

This morning while sleepily searching through my closet for something to wear it dawned on my that gone were the days when I had an entire wardrobe full of blacks.

No I am not being racist! For all you non-theatre people blacks refer to a techies clothing they were backstage in an attempt to blend in with the background.

When I was in college I had t-shirts, sweaters, skirts, pants, shorts, tank tops all in black. I had blacks for every occasion. There were opening night blacks closing night blacks, dressy blacks.... You get the point.

I guess there was just a point in my life were I realized that there were other clothing colors. Now I have maybe 4 shirts/sweaters/tanks that are black and three pairs of dress black pants. I guess I have distanced myself from my techie past and moved into the world of white lab coats... SIGH! I look much better in black...

If I had tried to have a baby when I was 17 I would have probably gotten pregnant my first try, but no I tried to be responsible and do the responsible thing and at 27 and after 5 months on fertility drugs nada. The major components of getting pregnant are working... DH's sperm is just fine, my post ovulation progesterone levels are 52 (really good and high indicating ovulation and good corpus luteal activity) but I keep getting BFNs. I have one more OB/GYN appointment and then I am off to the reproductive endocrinologist. Doesn't seem possible. When I got the prescription for clomid back in September I thought that March seemed so far off and that I wouldn't have to even think about getting the referral because we were going to get pregnant. Sometimes things just don't work out the way that you think they are going to....

In the past few months of baby craziness I have learned a few things about infertility and TTC and I thought I would impart them upon you:

~It still amazes me that I have been temping for so long that it is an automatic reflex to wake up and grab my basal body thermometer.

~Any time I use the bathroom now I have to stop to think about whether or not I am supposed to pee in a cup. OPKs and home pregnancy tests are the devil. It is a wonder that I haven't developed a UTI.

~At first the words "Just relax... it WILL happen" were comforting. Now I they just make me want to punch the person saying it in the face repeatedly. I mean just how the HECK do they know?

~Never tell your DH that you know when you are going to ovulate. Your DH will go from a sure shot to a broken weapon in an instant. It is much better that he doesn't know why he is getting this wonderful treat.

~I thought that having a baby would be expensive... I was wrong. OPK's, home pregnancy tests, sperm-friendly lube, clomid, extra toliet paper (do you really want to know?), and all those dealing with your fertility types of books. Infertility is expensive and at the end of the day neither your home pregnancy tests nor your sperm-friendly lube will say "I love you mommy"

~At first having an excuse to have sex every day is thrilling. You don't want to be too tired or have a headache... and believe you me the man will have no issues. Then the day comes when your partner has a headache... Does that really happen to men?

~At first I gave up everything I was supposed to. I stopped drinking anything with caffeine, I stopped drinking anything with alcohol, I stopped eating as many processed foods, and I tried to up my fiber in every way I could. After all this time I will have and espresso with my glass of wine (as long as I am not in the two week wait), and I will allow myself a slice of pizza, or a burger. Oh and I threw out the metamucil.

~It is inevitable that if you are TTC and are having issues that everyone you know and some people you wish you didn't will get pregnant. I have friends that I haven't spoken to in years popping out of the wood work just to message me and let me know they are pregnant. Thanks I really needed that right now!

~This is continuation from above: You get really good at avoiding baby showers. You will find the most creative ways to get out of watching someone else have the dream you've been waiting on. Baby shower on Saturday? "Sorry my dog has really bad diarrhea and I am up to my elbows in it..."

~It is cute when you first announce to friends and family that you are TTC and they ask are you pregnant yet. After all this time I just want to say do I look fracking pregnant to you???? Sigh! No sorry I've failed at the one biological purpose I am supposed to serve: Reproduction. I have a scab do you want to pick that raw too?

~I've learned that my mother really does love me, but when it comes to talking about getting pregnant with her things go awry. My mom thinks we are trying to hard. I should stop temping and I should stop charting. Just do it and have fun.... Mom there was a time for that and then the doctor said hey you aren't going to be able to do this on your own. Now you have to chart, temp, and take these lovely pills that will make you crazy.

~Hormones are wonderful and have a purpose... too many hormones are not and do not. By the end of the month I feel like a super hero, but not the good kind. I have lovingly dubbed my alter ego the Incredible Super (W)ITCH. My super power? I am able to go from normal to crazy in .006 seconds. Just watch me... I'll cry, scream, and then ask you calmly if you'd like a cup of tea. Don't think I'll be asked to join the Fantastic Four anytime soon.

~I have also learned that the advise I took when I first started trying to conceive really irks me now. I don't care that your second cousin twice removed had issues TTC and that she did handstands after sex and finally got pregnant. I also don't care if your mom had a tilted uterus and had to do it doggy style to conceive. Trust me I've tried everything.... it doesn't work and I don't need to know ANYMORE about your family. K thanks!

~I also never thought that getting pregnant would require me to learn a whole new language. TTC, BBT, HPT, BFN, BFP, OPK, AF, FX, CD, DPO, BDing, etc.... It's a whole new world out there that most breeders don't even know about!

This whole infertility thing has been quite the journey and if my luck holds up it is not over yet. Maybe you'll see Gary and I on TV one day. Olivia and Gary plus 8.... I really don't mind that many kids I just hope they don't all come at once. If so Gary better be saving up for my tummy tuck!

1. Leave a comment saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I'll reply and give you five questions to answer.
3. You'll update your LJ with the five questions answered.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed. And it just keeps going, and going, and going.

These questions are from MADJH :D

1 - Say you weren't married, or otherwise attached and you had the opportunity to introduce a very sweet, very good looking, eighteen year old boy to sex - would you?
I can honestly say at 27 years old that I could NOT have sex with an 18 year old. I know it sounds completely ridiculous seeing as my DH is that much older than I am, but it would just feel wrong. I guess I'll never be a cougar ;)

2 - Vampire or Werewolf?
To be or sleep with??? LOL! I think I would rather be a vampire because I love the night, but I'd rather have sex with a werewolf because I can't stand a cold body.

3 - Imagine being kidnapped by South American drug runners. Because of your value as a hostage, they don't hurt you. Instead you're placed in a remote village where no one speaks English. There's no possible way to escape, though you're in no immediate danger. Do you keep your distance from the villagers, or do you immerse yourself in their culture?
First things first... I would try to think on the reason South American drug runners would want me... then I would party down with the villagers.. When in Rome :D I mean fried tarantulas can't be that bad right? Just like chicken ;)

4 - You have one week to spend a million dollars ON YOURSELF. What do you buy?

Shite! Only a million? If I had a couple of million I would build a children's hospital. Okay so only a million... I'd pay off my student loans, buy a nice house, buy a home gym (complete with a trainer like Jillian), travel to Europe, and start my vineyard :D

5 - What is your favourite curse word?
It's a lot of letters, but I promise I can say it all in one breath.... MotherfuckingtittysuckingGDsonofabitch... I'm not a huge christian, but I can't bring myself to say what GD stands for...

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. When is it going to be my turn? I am not trying to be greedy. I know in my heart that I want more than just one, but right now I would be more than happy even if I were only ever able to have one. This has got to be the worst pain I have ever felt. Third month on clomid: BFN... the chances of it even working now will go down exponentially.
If I am not going to be able to have a baby I just want to know now. It would save me the pain. Even though I tell myself every month that I am not going to get my hopes up... I do. Something about this month just seemed special... My EDD would have been on my birthday, but not just my birthday... the Tuesday after labor day just like my birth. I know that most women don't give birth on their EDD, but it would have been really special.
I just feel like giving up. Every where I turn there is someone pregnant, or a sweet little baby and it breaks my heart... how will I ever mend the pieces. I'm supposed to go to my SIL's house on the 1st of January to help paint her nursery, but I don't know if I can do it. Physically I could, emotionally and psychologically I'll be a wreck.
Everyone keeps telling me what a great mom I'll be...It's very sweet of them, but it hurts. Having people ask when I am going to start a family... it hurts. When people ask why it's taking so long... it hurts. Infertility hurts worse than any pain I have ever felt. I can't think of anything else... do anything else.
I keep saying that I am going to talk to someone about it. Get a counselor or something. The truth is that I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I feel like they wont understand, and those who will understand wont want to talk about it either. I just want this pain to stop. I'm tired of feeling empty.

DH and I rarely drink anymore. We're trying to conceive and it does take a toll on one's already slim chances. Occasionally we'll buy a bottle to enjoy. Well we went shopping for Christmas baking and stopped to get a bottle to enjoy while we were making cookies, etc. Gary had wanted to go for the Merlot we'd had previously, but I wanted something different, a Cabernet. So Gary picked up a bottle and left. So tonight we opened it. Gary took the first sip and make a face. I asked if it was okay. He said I think it needs to be decanted. Then I smelled it and I said it smells funny. Gary said yeah jet fuel. I said it can't be that bad. So I tasted it and gosh it was awful. Then Gary said maybe it needs to breathe for about 15 minutes. I waited and smelled again... still smelled funny. Then I pinched my nose and took a sip. It was tolerable. Then I stated that it was only the wine may need to breathe, but I didn't when I drank it. DH laughed and reminded me that he wanted the Merlot. I said I was sorry, but I wanted something different. He said well this *is^ different. :::facepalm::::

My husband isn't the romantic type. He doesn't buy me flowers, or jewelry. Sometimes he even forgets to put the toilet seat. There are however times that I realize over and over again why I love him... he makes me happy, he loves me, and he makes me smile.

So I've been busy reading since my friend MJ got me addicted book series. DH was sitting on the couch feeling a bit put out so he started looking through cookbooks. I sarcastically asked him if he would make me peanut butter cookies. He got up and went into the kitchen and I went back to reading. A little while later I smelled peanut butter cookies baking. He made me cookies... but it gets better...

A little while later he's still tinkering in the kitchen and he says, "Honey do we have ground cloves?"

"Yep it's in the spice drawer."

"Honey do we have ginger?"

"Same place, Love."

"Um what about molasses?"

"Top shelf of the dry goods cabinet."

Then nothing for a while. I smelled nothing baking and he goes out front to shovel more snow. Then he comes back in and asks me if I have a dish that is 9".

"I have a 9"x13" pan why?"

He says that's not gonna work, but then gets a look on his face that a child would get when it's just figured out how to get up to the cabinet to get into the cookie jar. He grabs his tape measure and goes into the kitchen. I am now fully intrigued and follow him into the kitchen. There is is with molasses cookie dough rolled into a log and he is measuring the length with a metal tape measure.

I can't describe the grin that formed on my face or the warm fuzzy feeling I got in my heart. The care he took to make sure the cookie dough would be just perfect for me, even if it was with his work tape measure, priceless. My husband is the most adorable man in the world.

People who know me would say that I am quite obsessive. When I get my mind set on a specific subject I tend to become fixated on it. Since DH and I started TTC that's pretty much been my fixation. Almost to an unhealthy extent, but DH and I talked and I feel much better. Well since I am sick and not getting any homework done (like I should be since it is FINALS WEEK)I decided to use a due date estimator in the off chance that I should get pregnant this month. Well I have to say I was a bit surprised. I knew that if I conceived this month that I would be due in September, but because of my LP fluke last month my EDD would be on my 28th birthday. Not only that, but I would be due on a Tuesday (the day of the week that I was born on) and the day before would be labor day. My mother went into labor on labor day! I know that very few babies are actually born on their EDD, but I think it would be HILARIOUS if I conceived and mine was. Sigh... okay I'll leave my delusional thoughts and return to the world of term papers, physics exams, and medicinal plants (and not in the way that you are thinking...).

Only a few close friends know how seriously depressed I was as a teenager. From the age of 13-21 I was a hot mess. I always felt that my life was spiraling out of control and that nothing I did would or could stop it. Then I found that causing myself pain helped me forget my emotional pain for a while. I would cut myself with knives or sissors... I once even resorted to using a safety pin when my mom took the other things away from me. Sometimes when cutting myself didn't work I would hit my head against the wall repeatedly. My senior year of high school got a little better and I stopped all of that. Then my freshman year the depression came back full force. This time debilitating my ability to even leave my dorm room. I had no roommate so I'd stay in there for days only leaving to pee. I had a box of food stuffs that my parents or grandparents would send and that was all I would eat. My best friend Martha was the only reason I got help. She forced me to leave my room and get food, and she made me see a doctor. I got put on depression meds and although they seemed to help I hated myself on them. 3 years and a break down (that put me in the psych ward on my 21st birthday) later I was done with the meds. I told my counselor that I wanted to heal myself without meds. She agreed to let me try, and we worked through it together.

I would never say that I was healed. I was just a recovering person with depression. Like an alcoholic it was always one day at a time for me. I had some slip ups, but with the plan I had in place I could easily recover.

Fast forward 6 years to a diagnosis of infertility and a little drug called clomid. The first month on it wasn't so bad... except for some serious ovulation pain and abdominal bloating. Oh and the mood swings the week before my period. My DH loved that! This was my second month on the clomid, and the side effects were far worse than last month. Nausea, headache, hot flashes, mood swings, ovulation pain, and my abdomen is still swollen. The newest symptom... feeling like I did when I was a teen. The feelings of everything spiraling out of control are back. What scares me the most is that the feelings of wanting to physically hurt myself are coming back. I keep trying to force those ideas from my mind. I know logically that it is the meds and not really me this time. It's just hard. I don't want to worry DH, and I am going to go back to counseling. I want off of these meds. I hate them, and the way they make me feel. My doctor says I have to be on them for 6 months before he'll send me to an reproductive specialist. I'm thinking of just not taking them after this month, and waiting out another 4 months until my referral. I just can't live like this... feeling this way! I am proud of myself that I can recognize what is going on and can seek a way to stop it. I guess I just needed to vent to no one in particular...

I got my positive OPK this morning and I had a huge temp drop so.... so here we go onto round three. I'm hoping that I ovulate properly this month especially after all of the crappy side effects of the fertility meds. I'm not a very religious woman so I just ask that you keep your fingers crossed that we get the egg this month. I don't know how much more I can take of the temping, POAS every morning, checking my CM, taking fetility meds, and trying to go to school without going crazy. Sigh! I just wanna be a mommy :(

Tonight my fertility medicine fueled ovaries cringed! I can not believe of all the talented, smart, successful women in the United States that McCain chose Sarah Palin... I mean did they put a blindfold on McCain and spin him around and let him play pin the tail on the VP? I couldn't believe that she called average men "Joe Six-Pack". After that DH walked to the fridge and picked up a beer and said that he was just trying to live up to the high praise he received. I'm really terrified for what my children have to look forward to in the future if this woman makes it into office. I want a role model for my family, not a woman, who is against women's lib, in office with her 17 year old knocked up daughter... I mean Jamie Lynn Spears is just as good of a role model as Bristol is. Sigh... I'm gonna go to bed now so that I can take my physics exam so that I can hopeful get into med school and have a safe and stable job in an economy that will be crashing down around us if the dynamic duo get elected.

So this is our last month trying without assistance. My appointment with my OB/GYN ended with a prescription for clomid, a order for a sperm assay for DH, and an order to continue temping, using OPKs, and checking my cervix. If this doesn't work in 6 months I am off to see an RE. It was too late when I saw the Dr. to start the clomid this cycle, but he said to go ahead and try. Hopefully I would actually ovulate this month, and not false ovulate again. I started having horrible bloating, and gas at approximately 6 DPO. By 8 DPO it was so bad that I had to call my PCP. That was possibly the biggest waste of my time. She basically told me that it could be my hormones and an early pregnancy symptom, but it was too soon to test, so I was supposed to go on a liquid diet in case it was a intestinal virus. Sigh... I am now 13 DPO, and all my HPTs have been negative, but my PCP told me that I most likely wont get a +HPT until Tuesday (that's the day AF is due). I'm not getting my hopes up because I don't feel pregnant. At 10 DPO I starting having some brownish color in my CM. At 11 DPO I had some bright red blood in my CM after a BM, but that went away immediately. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it stopped so I guess that's okay. I'm hoping that I don't have another 20 day LP this time. If I'm not pregnant I want AF to show up ASAP so I can start the clomid, and hopefully everything will be okay.
This was my stomach at 8 DPO.... It was this big again last night...

So I am technically 16 DPO (CD 31)... pregnancy tests have all been BFN's and I still have no period. I had my first official I'm never going to get pregnant break down after DH went to lay down. I know I am not pregnant because I have had several instances of bright red spotting, and I am cramping and emotionally nuts right now. I don't think I would care about this so much if I didn't know that my period is more than likely doomed to appear tomorrow or Wednesday most likely dooming my chances of seeing my OB/GYN who said that once I got my thyroid straightened out he would put me on Clomid to get my ovulation regulated so I can get pregnant. So I feel like September will be a bust as well. I felt horrible having to tell DH that this is not the month and seeing that sad look in his eye. He tried so hard to be supportive and say that we'll get it next month, but I know there are doubts in his mind as well. In total we have been trying for 2 years (non consecutively of course). We actively try like right now, but not taking BC or using prophylactics and saying if it happens it happens. Big surprise for my life that it didn't happen... well it happened, but I losing it (MIL blaming me makes it feel oh so much better too). To top it all off my emotional break down came with a crap load of carb eating, so there's two weeks worth of a great diet down the toilet with my hopes of being prego too! Oh well, hoping AF shows soon so I can start trying for next month!

So here we are at CD 10. I had to change some info on my chart so it says today, tomorrow, and Thursday are my fertile days. DH and I are BDing just in case, but I'm not sure when I'm supposed to "O". My chart is confused because my cycles have no distinct length, and my temps have been steady low. I'm really hoping my OPK is positive before the 9th because DH goes to Westport then. I don't want to have to drive up there, but I will. This has definitely become an unhealthy obsession. I'm reading what other women are writing about this being their 8th month or 11th month with no BFP. I know this is my first month trying, but I am so nervous that I will be one of those women who can't conceive. It's ridiculous and I know more than a few of my friends who read this will yell at me for even worrying. I've just gotten to the point in my life where babies are all I think about. UGH! Stupid biological clock.... stupid friends getting pregnant with babies... My Organic Chem class ends this Friday and then I have the 2WW that is the killer. I'm going to try to occupy my time with cleaning the house, painting, and getting the kitchen ready for remodeling. This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life.